Our family bed . . . how we make it work

I have been asked over the years how we work out our co-sleeping arrangement with all the kids in 1 bed.  Right now we have all 5 in the bed with us (pictures below).  The older 3 (5,7, and 9) would probably be fine sleeping in another room together if we encouraged them to do so.  They often do when they have friends over and they LOVE camping out in the living room, just the 3 of them.  But their room is upstairs and ours is downstairs and I am not comfortable with them so far away at night (keep thinking, what if there was a fire or something? I need to be able to get to them quickly).  They don't seem too keen on sleeping on another floor either, and often, even if they have a friend over, 1 or 2 of them ends up back downstairs with us.  So right now they still sleep with us.  When we move in the near future and their room is across the hall, we will probably encourage them to sleep there if they feel they are ready.  But they are always welcome in the bed with us anytime.

I LOVE co-sleeping!  There is nothing like a big bed full of people all snuggled together . . . so cozy!!  It took me about 6mo to get used to it after Xian was born.  I never slept with anyone as a kid, not until I got married did I share a bed.  Even as a kid, the short time I shared a room with my sister we had bunk beds. In high school I slept sideways on my bed, I loved to spread out.  But it didn't take long to get used sharing my space with others.  Charlie seems to enjoy co-sleeping too (he isn't much of a talker but has never complained and occasionally when he doesn't know I'm looking I'll see him looking at a sleeping baby next to him in the bed with a smile on his face).

Yes, we get kicked in the head often (several of the kids are VERY wiggly) and yes I often have a kid lying on top of me at any point in the night.  Sometimes you wake to find that someone has flipped completely around and their feet are in your face, LOL!  but you get used to it.

When Xian was born we had a co-sleeper.  I never used it.  Well I did use it to hold my water and diapers, but he slept next to me.  Depending on what side I needed to nurse him on, he would either be next to the co-sleeper or between Charlie and I (I would just move him at night as needed).  We had a queen size bed then and it was big enough.

Then when Piper came along Xian took his place between Charlie and I and Piper was on the end.  We bought a king sized bed shortly before she was born, and we put mattress and box springs on the floor.  I always either have the mattress pushed up next to the wall (with a rolled up towel in the crack)  or I have something beside the bed at bed level, so that I don't have to worry about baby falling off.  Another reason why I like to have a barrier there is so that I can put baby closer to the edge of the bed, to make more room in the bed for everyone.  I learned to nurse on both sides without moving baby, if needed (all my toddlers, were/are also nursing so I didn't always need to nurse the baby on both sides at night because the older kid would nurse in the morning upon waking anyway)

When Arah came along we built a frame next to the bed that would hold a crib mattress and make it flush with the bed so that it was level, like an extension of the bed.  Xian moved over there, on the other side of Charlie, Piper moved to the middle between us, and Arah was on the end.  Are you picking up a pattern here?  LOL!!  Everyone rotates when a new baby comes (usually I move them a month or so before the baby comes, so they get used to their new spot).

So when Ever was born we replaced the crib mattress with a twin mattress and pushed up flush with our king sized bed.  Xian moved to the end of the bed, Piper moved to between Charlie and Xian, then Arah was in the middle and Ever on the other side of me.  Piper and Xian were both on the twin bed, though Piper usually ended up on top of Charlie (she really likes to cuddle).

I was not sure if we would all fit when Thrace came along, but we do!  Xian is on the end, Piper is in the middle and Arah is next to Charlie (usually he is like in the crack between the twin mattress and the king, and he also likes to cuddle).  Ever is between me and Charlie and Thrace on the other side of me. I had pictures of everyone asleep in the bed, except me, so I had my mother in law take some pictures of all of us shortly after Thrace was born.

Thrace is on the left, then me, Ever, Charlie, Arah, Piper, Xian

2009

 This works great for us.  We are all used to lying close to each other and the kids think nothing of it.  They are also used to random noises at night (like a baby crying) or Charlie getting up earlier or whatever and typically they sleep right through it (though Xian will often get up earlier if Charlie does, they all don't) or if they wake they promptly go back to sleep no problem.

There is really nothing sweeter than crawling into a bed full of sleeping kids.  Sometimes I walk in and see them sleeping with their arms around each other.  Right now I am sitting in bed typing this with them all asleep around me (Xian just mumbled something . . . he is always talking in his sleep, and Piper rolled over and cuddled up with Arah).

I know it may seem inconvenient.  It has been years since I have been able to cuddle with Charlie. But the way I look at it . . . the kids are only small for a short time.   They only need us like this for a short time.  They grow up and move on so quickly and considering how busy the day can get, it is nice to spend every minute with them, even if it is the middle of the night.  And frankly it doesn't get any more peaceful than this with everyone in 1 room, LOL!!  Plus if they need anything, if they wake from a bad dream, if they are feeling sick (like Piper just a while ago woke to tell me she had a stuffy nose, then she promptly went back to sleep . . . I think she is catching my cold) then we are right there.  I remember a handful of times crawling into bed with my parents at night after a bad dream.  I never felt so safe!  I love the security it provides them while they are little and need us.  I love how it brings us close together.  I will enjoy being able to stretch out in the bed again some day, not being woken multiple times at night, being able to cuddle with an adult again.  But for now I am loving this stage of life with little ones in the bed and I am trying to cherish it as long as it lasts.  Besides, after the kids are grown Charlie and I have the rest of our lives to spread out in this big bed.

OK to recap . . . how we make it work . . .

• We have a King size bed, the mattress sits on the boxsprings on the floor.
• We have a twin size mattress built up to sit flush with our king size mattress, for 1 big bed
• The baby always sleeps next to me on the end of the bed
• I always have the bed next to the wall (with a rolled up towel in the crack) or have some type of barrier next to them so that they can lie next to the end of the bed, so we don't waste any space
• The next to youngest sleeps between Charlie and I
• The 3rd youngest sleeps on the other side of Charlie
• We progress up from there so that the oldest is on the other end of the bed
• Considering they are all around 2 yrs apart, each kid gets approx 4 yrs sleeping next to me (from newborn to age 4) and 4 yrs next to Charlie (from age 2-6) and 2 yrs sleeping between the 2 of us . . . wouldn't you have loved that as a kid!!

A magic 'formula' for easier parenting??

Here is the disclaimer for this post. While of course I believe that breastfeeding is by far and away 1 million times superior to formula, I also know that there are moms who end up having to supplement with formula for one reason or another, maybe they have a medical condition, or an adopted child (though I recommend finding donated breastmilk or using raw milk formula if possible, I could write more about that later). That said, I really think it is the exception, it is really rare for a mom not to be physically able to nurse her baby, especially if she is getting the right information and support (unfortunately not everyone is).

OK that said. I heard about a disturbing new formula that is being put out by Enfamil. Have y'all heard of this thing? It is called "Restful" and it is for nighttime feeding. And here is what it does . . . according to their site, it is "specially designed to help babies feel full longer and sleep better" and "it thickens gently in baby's tummy and digests slowly".

Does anyone else find this extremely disturbing and just plain wrong? It sounds like a diet pill . . . "designed to make you feel full longer so you eat less". I'm sure you have heard those diet ads. That is exactly what this is doing. It is thickening in baby's tummy so that they feel full longer so that they don't wake up as often needing to eat and disturbing your precious sleep. Wow! What some companies won't do to make money? This is not just completely unnatural but I would go so far as to argue that this is potentially dangerous. Babies wake at night for a reason, not just because they are hungry but because they need us. I think it is part of an instinctual survival type thing, they don't want to be alone. But I googled this and found that some even think that this could lead to an increase of SIDS. I know it seems far-reaching, but if you think about it, SIDS seems to occur more often when babies are in a deep sleep, and this product would seem to encourage that by expanding in the tummy to make them feel full, thus helping to prevent them from feeling hungry which would naturally cause them to wake.

I can see some moms finding this product very appealing. I mean I am sure getting up multiple times at night is very tiring. But after 5 kids I can tell you that I have only gotten up in the middle of the night with a baby a handful of times . . . seriously! I breastfeed and co-sleep. So when baby stirs to nurse (they don't even cry) I can latch them on and go back to sleep. Sure it took me a while to get used to it when I had my first, but it is so natural and eventually became like second nature. I am with them constantly, I hear them breathing, I know if something is wrong, I am right there!! Shoot I have ALL the kids still in the bed, and I would argue that I still get way more sleep than the mom who doesn't co-sleep! It is just downright easy!


OK here starts my little rant . . . . about this "Restful" formula . . . we are really a screwed up society if we buy into this!! It kind of goes along with the age old question that every new mom is asked by everyone once their baby is born . . . "is he sleeping through the night yet?" WHY is sleeping through the night so important? WHY is this some type of milestone that most moms feel they have to reach? Sometimes I think people just ask this out of habit, because they want to ask us something. I used to get asked this question all the time and I was baffled . . . ummm, before having kids *I* didn't always sleep through the night, LOL!! I know, I know, we do miss out on sleep when baby wakes up at night, and it is an adjustment, but that is part of being a parent!! But it is like the moment a baby is born, moms are looking for ways to get their lives back to the way they were before baby. Sorry folks, that isn't going to happen!

People talk about how important sleep is, how important it is to 'train' baby to sleep. Why? Why must we train them to sleep . . . is something wrong with them? I mean they know when they are hungry, and we feed them . . . they know when they want to be held, and we hold them . . . they fuss when they are tired, and we rock, nurse, and sometimes (especially if they have reflux or gas etc) we will pace the floor to help them calm down to sleep. And they wake up again because they are hungry or uncomfortable, or they want to be near us and they are lonely etc. This is the nature of babies. Beautiful little people who need loads of attention and love all the time. We are not parents just during the day. Parenting is a 24 hr a day job, and that includes NIGHTS! Are we really so desperate that we need a magic formula to help our babies sleep longer?

Yes it is hard! Parenting in general is hard. It can be tiring and frustrating and sometimes we would love to just be able to use the bathroom in peace! And believe me, I have been known to at times exclaim "Calgon, take me away!!" (most of y'all are hopefully old enough to remember that, LOL). But when you have a baby, they come first because they are so helpless and so needy and they cannot wait or reason or understand. During my writing this Thrace (who is 3mo old and lying next to me) has woken up 4x and though I may be in the middle of a thought or sentence and I do NOT want to stop writing, I stop and nurse him (or give him my pinky to suck when he just nursed a ton and spit up 10 min before, LOL). Because that is just what I do, that is my job. And if you look at things from a different perspective, as overwhelming as it can be, you know that as mothers and fathers, we are the most important part of their lives. What a privilege that is!

Some of my kids have been better sleepers than others but none of them sleep as well alone as they do with me (or on me). Why? because they are BABIES, they are completely helpless, their whole being screams to be close to us, to be held, to be protected by us. We are their only source of food, we provide comfort. They know our voice, our smell they are bonded to US. For young babies, they spent the majority of their lives inside our bodies. Why on earth would they not want to be with us every second of their short lives on the outside? So what do we moms do? Lets see . . . we spend most of our time trying to schedule their feedings, trying to get them used to not being held too much and ignoring their calls for us (don't want to spoil them right?) and trying to get them to to sleep through the night so we can sleep undisturbed and shoot, if a formula comes along that will help with that, then woohoo!! Lets buy it!!

As a mom who carries her babies everywhere, nurses them till they are ready to wean, sleeps with them, nurses them throughout the night, and answers their calls promptly, I can attest to the fact that they DO learn to sleep through the night on their own eventually, . . . when they are mentally and physically ready to do so. I help them sleep and do things to encourage sleep (sleeping with them, making them warm and comfortable, wearing them often, keeping them close). But I don't have to 'train' them to sleep, they always end up doing it on their own in their own time when they have matured a little (and every one is different in this way).

I encourage you to respect these little people the way that they are. Respect their little bodies, how God designed them. Respect the fact that they need us so much and those ingrained needs are a part of every fiber of their being.
What an amazing thing to have a person who needs us and loves us so desperately. And they don't just need and love us because we give them food, but because we are their parents. These little people who can spot you across the room, who know your voice when you think you are out of earshot, who look to you for comfort when a stranger is near and who can't stand for you to even leave the room. They do grow, they mature and change, this is but a brief moment in life. We don't need a formula to help make parenting easier . . . we need to simply cherish every moment!!